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 Luna (WIP)

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k1tty
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PostSubject: Luna (WIP)   Wed Sep 03, 2014 11:41 pm

Name: Luna
Age:18
Gender: female
Physical appearance:
Luna is 5’5” tall and weighs about 115 pounds.

Artic Luna’s wolf  stands from feet the shoulder at 32 inches tall, and from the tip of his nose to the tip of his tale he is 6 feet long and weighs about 110 pounds. His fur is snow Wight.  He wheres a gold colored caroler with clear crystals on it.


Clothing of choice: When on duty Luna where’s the Hellsing uniform she also typically wears a Cresson shaped moon pin to keep her bangs out of her eyes. She also has a silver locket that she always where’s. In one side a picture of her mother and father. On the other is a picture of star when he was about 6 weeks old. When she is not uniform she prefers to where dress usually long and colorful.
Weaponry of choice: Lunas weapon of choice is the English long bow. Her bow is made of wood and is about 6 feet long. She uses silver tipped wolf arrows. Her bow is about 100 years old having been passed from father to sun for generations however her father never know his sun her twin brother so she inherited the bow .

Race: special Human

Abilities: Luna has the ability to control light to a point.  She can blind enemy’s, refract light to create allusions, and force fields agents shadow attacks. The abilities can only last for three turns and it takes five turns before she can use her abilities again. Depending upon how far away the sours of light is will also depends on how long she can use her abilities. For example if her source of light were the moon she would only be able to blind an enemy for a turn as opposed to a street light. She usual uses the crystals on her wolfs caller as a light source as the stricter of the crystals chapters and bends light. She can also telepathically communicate with her twin brother. (cs may come later and will be played by a friend of mine)

Organization: Hellsing

Personality:   Luna is a sweet kind person. She makes friends easily, and always makes time for anyone that needs her.  She does her best to make the people around her happy, and will do anything to protect the people she cares about. To in clued star her best friend an artic wolf.  Her Favre activities are archery and ballet. She seems to have two different personalities to her. The side that was just explained that everyone sees. However when she is fighting . She has I different air to her determined head strong, and dangerous. She and star my seem kind and sweet but if you’re an enemy in battle or someone above them in the chain of command during a fight they are trouble
pets name: star

Pets age:  5
Pets personality:  Star is head strong and lenses only to Luna. He uses his instincts to guide Luna in battle. He is always at Lunas side. He is not found of strangers and my growl or snap at people. However he feeds off of Luna’s behaver. If she is calm so is he. If she is agitated so is star.
Pets  race: artic wolf

Rank: trane

Biography:
Luna and her twin brother were born on April 12 1982. At the time they were born there parents were in the middle of a divorce as there indvgual careers were tacking them in different directions the marriage was also arraigned by their parents. The pare didn’t care for echoer. However their parents wanted grandchildren so the twins were conceived and born. The mother took the sun and the father took the doubter Luna. It had been decided by her parents that the twins were not to know of the other existent or the parents.  At about the age of three it became very clear that she had her mothers and love for ballet. It was all the three year old talked about after having found homemade videos of her mother’s first recital in her grandparents’ house.  At about five she was enrolled in a ballet school this is also the time her father started to teach her how to shoot a bow. She didn’t relay take to it until she was about ten. It was also at this age that she found a fascination for wolfs and discovered her ability to control light. At about thirteen years of age her father had found the perfect pet for her best friend Artic. He had found the small pup abandoned whale he was on a hunting trip with his brothers to Alaska whale Luna was in school. The her father owned a weapons company that armed the British army. He brought the puppy home passing it off as a Wight gunman Shepard he had papers made to say that’s what Artic was. Luna and the wolf puppy became inseparable. Within two years Artic became part of the family. This happiness however would not last long. When Luna was 17 her home was attacked by a vampire. Hellsing did respond however not in time to save her father . Luna and Artic almost lost their life’s. With her father dead her uncial took over the company. He quickly decided that Artic should be in a zoo not his home. It wasn’t normal for a person to have a pet wolf and it was dangerous. Luna had found out about this and quickly took Artic and left. She remembered the Hellsing organization that had saved her life about a year ago. She thought maybe she could help them in there mission. So no one else would suffer the same fate as her father. She applied and was accepted into the orginization.
RP sample:  
Luna and artic walked along the alleys they had been told there was a vampire here. It didn’t take long for the creature to find them. It was a low level vampire this mission would be simple enough. Artic was aware of the creatures presence first and started to growl. “What is it Artic do you here something” She said. Then hared the laphter from the creature followed by a creepy voice. “ So Hellsing is hearing little girls and dogs now or are you playing dress up” The vampire said. “show yourself” Luna screamed. The vampire jumped out of the shadows in front of her. Then ran at her Luna quickly amid her bow as Artic charged at the creature with the intent of knocking him to the ground. Luna fired and hit the vampire square in the head with the arrow. “Artic lets go home” She said as they left having completed there mission.
Back at the Hellsing manner Luna and Artic sat out in the quart yard staring at the stars. “Artic do you want to play fetch” Luna asked. Artic answered with an excited howl. Luna picked up a nearby stick and tossed it as far as she could. Artic of course retrieved it and returned to Luna. Who agene throw the stick these went on for several hours longer before they went to the bricks and went to bed.

OOC: I have images for the description of the characters however cant seem to finger out how to post them
kitty


Last edited by k1tty on Thu Sep 04, 2014 1:14 am; edited 1 time in total
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PostSubject: Re: Luna (WIP)   Thu Sep 04, 2014 12:48 am

Heya. I'm not sure if this is ready for voting, but you'll need a bit more in that Physical Appearance section. Need to know what she looks like, her face, etc.

Thank you!
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PostSubject: Re: Luna (WIP)   Thu Sep 04, 2014 12:52 am

No I can't figure out how to add images do you know how?
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PostSubject: Re: Luna (WIP)   Thu Sep 04, 2014 12:54 am

Yes. It's
[ img ]put the link of your image here[ /img ]
without the spaces.

However, it's required that you type it out as well. Just so you know~
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PostSubject: Re: Luna (WIP)   Thu Sep 04, 2014 1:16 am

Ok thanks I don't know if it worked I'll work on a typed description and have it up by next week
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PostSubject: Re: Luna (WIP)   Thu Sep 04, 2014 1:23 am

Sounds good! I look forward to your sheet!
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PostSubject: Re: Luna (WIP)   Thu Sep 04, 2014 1:27 am

To fix your image links:
Luna:
[ img ]http://i39.servimg.com/u/f39/18/98/84/51/moon_g12.jpg[/img]


Wolf:

[ img ]http://i39.servimg.com/u/f39/18/98/84/51/wolf10.jpg[/img]

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PostSubject: Re: Luna (WIP)   Sat Sep 06, 2014 4:23 pm

Just something I have noticed about the wolf; what is his name exactly? It's a little confusing to read at a glance if his name is Arctic or Star. You use Star in his personality section. Then Arctic in the rp sample. Also, I am not sure if the wolf itself would be considered a separate oc or not. So I will have to check in on this matter. Regardless, keep up the good work.
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PostSubject: Re: Luna (WIP)   Sat Sep 06, 2014 4:51 pm

Thankyou for pointing that out I change the name from star to Artic and forgot to makeit the same all thruout thankyou
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PostSubject: Re: Luna (WIP)   Sun Sep 07, 2014 12:50 pm

Well, you at least used a little bit of spell check this time around so thanks for that. Still would like a bit more effort on this. Since this makes the 6th or 7th time that more than half of your sheet is riddled with errors, I'm going to start copying and pasting your sheet into this Online Spell Checker so it will count how many errors you have and if there are more than 15 mistakes, I'm going to disapprove it simply because you didn't listen. It's still a lot better so thank you but you can still improve and it takes all of 30 seconds to fix this.

Grammarly wrote:
Grammarly found 44 critical writing issues and generated 6 word choice corrections for your text.

Score: 39 of 100 (poor, revision necessary)
Plagiarism  !

  • Unoriginal text detected

Grammar  2 issues

  • Modal verbs (1)
  • Use of nouns (1)
  • Use of articles

Spelling Correction  16 issues

  • Spelling (6)
  • Commonly confused words (2)
  • Accidentally confused words (8 )

Sentence Structure  1 issue

  • Sentence fragment (1)
  • Faulty parallelism
  • Word order

Punctuation  16 issues

  • Punctuation between clauses (5)
  • Punctuation within a clause (11)
  • Closing punctuation

Style Check  3 issues

  • Usage of colloquial speech (1)
  • Improper formatting (1)
  • Wordiness (1)


Now, ignoring the fact that it detected plagiarism which is something I got a small vibe of as well and would normally disapprove on the spot, I'm even going to try to meet you in the middle since there was a big faff over plagiarism last time. I won't disapprove it for spelling errors. I won't even duck you for the possible plagiarism since it's a pain in the ass and I can't be bothered to find the source of the text. I'll correct the spelling errors in a spoiler at the end which I would like for you to use if you would be so kind and I leave it to my fellow staffers if they wanna check it for an actual plagiarism source. Now, unfortunately I have a different set of issues with this which are far more pressing.



Firstly, your Physical Appearance section is sparse for the character and doesn't even have a full sentence, just a height and a weight. Hell, you gave more description to the dog and I'm sorry but it's just not that interesting. We don't care about the dog as much as we do the person with which everyone else will be interacting with. I've even seen you put in details before and you did have a character approved with us eons ago so I know you have it in you somewhere.

Secondly, about this wolf. It seems like it is your focus and that's cool but you give no real reason other than the fact that you for some reason wanted to have a wolf. I mean, yeah, you put it in your bio which is strangely the most detailed thing I've seen from you ever with an exact date. If anything, that's where I feel the plagiarism happened. In fact, I know I said I would drop it but I feel this is a good learning experience for everyone so forgive me but I'm going to use you as an example because I have that kind of time at work today. Understand that this is in no way a personal attack at you and is just a chance to teach people a little something about sheets.

In particular, this is a note to Staff real quick as well. Whenever I look at a sheet or even a post, this is always something I pay attention to so please make a note of it
.

Plagiarism Training:
 

Now, back to the wolves. The problem with it for me is that it strains credulity for the simple fact that wolves are not known for coexisting with humans all that well. There was a pair of scientists named Jim and Jamie Dutcher that went into great detail about it and were some of the only scientists to successfully pull it off. Here's the link. Their organization actually still funds the support of wild wolves and I had an opportunity to watch an interview with them. They seem like nice folks. So yeah. Please change it in some way.

So, onto my biggest problem with this sheet and I'm sorry kiddo but this isn't the first time I've noticed this. This character screams Mary Sue to me. From my dealings with you, you and the character's personalities are almost one in the same. It's further proof that you did indeed write it but we do ask for a bit more creativity in those regards too. Carbon copies of anything, even the person writing the sheet can be a recipe for disaster depending on the character and the player.

So, here are the changes I expect. Keep in mind that these are just my personal preferences and other members of Staff have different standards.

Changes pending approval:
More details on her Physical Appearance (three sentences minimum & not wolf)
More details for the Weapons
More details on Abilities (does the 5 round recovery time include the 3 round duration?)
Change the Biography (German Shepherds and wolves don't even look close kiddo)
Use the corrected spelling version at the end of this post and put it as your reason for editing
(Mandatory for my approval)

I could get into the fact that all the RP Sample is is basically the movie Marley and Me with vampires and wolves but you at least made an attempt so I don't care. Again, other Staff Members may make you change it though. Now, Do I expect the sheet to be perfect? No. But I do expect you to put a little bit more thought and effort into it. Best of luck and thanks for trying, kiddo.

Corrected Spelling Version:
 
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PostSubject: Re: Luna (WIP)   Wed Sep 10, 2014 3:09 pm

Has the issues been edited?
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PostSubject: Re: Luna (WIP)   Thu Sep 18, 2014 12:13 am

I apologize but I have been unable to work on vs do to current events in my real life I'm hoping to have time to work on it this weekend however
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PostSubject: Re: Luna (WIP)   Thu Sep 18, 2014 2:54 pm

Alright. Well I'm going to put the WIP tag on this. When you're finished, just take it off.
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PostSubject: Re: Luna (WIP)   Tue Sep 30, 2014 8:48 pm

How's this coming? Any work on this?
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PostSubject: Re: Luna (WIP)   Wed Oct 01, 2014 11:03 am

There's been some progress I'm not redy to post it yet though. And am in the middle moving sorry for the inconvenience
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PostSubject: Re: Luna (WIP)   Mon Nov 10, 2014 6:03 pm

Do you still wanna play this character?
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