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Join date : 2013-09-26
Location : New York City, NY

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PostSubject: [DELETE]   Sun Sep 29, 2013 1:03 pm


Last edited by Kain on Mon Oct 07, 2013 11:24 pm; edited 32 times in total
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PostSubject: Re: [DELETE]   Sat Oct 05, 2013 11:28 am

Posting from here because I don't feel like changing.

Kain wrote:
Name: Kain De Vega

Nickname: The Spider

Age: 28 years old

Gender: Male
Should've just called him Peter Parker.

Marvel wrote:
Physical appearance: Kain looks more of a college gothic student with short but spiky hair but well groom with medium sized eyebrows.  He has short average height(5'10") and a weight of 187lbs almost the same like an normal teenager yet having just a little athletic stature. He has normal blue eyes.
Contradictory, too heavy for his weight, no face, and using words that don't mean what you think they mean. I feel like I've seen this (four times) before.

Lone Ranger was racist wrote:
Clothing of choice: He'll sometimes wear dark clothing that consist of black V-Neck T-shirt and a black thin wool sweater over the t-shirt keeping his body warm. Kain has on a gun holster belt for his guns one on his shoulder and another around his waist when the vampire wants put lead or pure silver into enemies. He wears black but baggy jeans yet on rare encounters the vampire human sometimes wears dark blue sweat pants. Kain only wears military style boots only because the vampire thinks that sneakers are only for idiots and weaklings. Kain also has another attire which the vampire is normally seen wearing  during his time of heroics. He calls it the "dark hero" costume that consist of: A dark blue wool sweater with black vest cover the sweater. Kain wears a pair of black closed finger gloves. For pants, He wears black baggy gentlemen pants with dark blue pinstripe on each side of the pant leg. For a mask, It almost black stitch mask with U.S. Issued 1930 goggles with some mirror tint on the lenses. This is pretty much is silent evasion/dark hero attire. This attire is used to fight crime or exile himself from the world for good until he decides to return and face the world once more.
It's amazing how much more time you spent on your clothes than what your character actually looks like.

This is so undetailed I can't even joke about it. Except for the fact "Dark Hero" is fucking Spider-Man in the Symbiote Suit.

Probably shouldn't rip-off comic books when 90% of the forum reads them wrote:
Weaponry of choice:

Modified Berettas 92S
While it's amazing that you didn't copy this description, this weapon is also improbable. A handgun like that is not going to produce a force that feels like a [repetitive] grenade. Laser sights are also terrible in general, despite what the movies show you. Even more so when you consider that you're fighting vampires and any amount of light in an area would lead them directly to your position.


Small Pump Action Shotgun

V-T7 High Frequency Katana Blade

Brass Knuckles[/quote]
No descriptions on any of these weapons. Genuinely surprised there are no web shooters.

GRRRRR wrote:
Race: Class D Vampire

Abilities: Kain's normal vampire abilities are:
Category D: The butter and bread of vampires, often these sorts of vampires are a step up from the Category D, having evolved from that level to be a better fit hunter of the night. They are the second largest group of vampires, but still cannot match up to the numbers of the Category F sorts.
Traits: Regeneration may take a long amount of time for major damage (ie: 10 posts), sublime supernatural strength, agility, stamina, durability, and reflexes, big weakness to silver and blessed weaponry but survivable, killable through conventional means, ability to turn virgins into vampires, non-virgins into somewhat weak ghouls, the need to drink blood occasionally, susceptible to unblessed damage (still fatal to them), meager weakness to sunlight (as in they get sick around it).

Marksmenship & Accuracy: Kain is able to focus on a target drowning any type of distraction from his mind. Only focusing on the target when holding up his gun having it drawn directly at the enemy. Another thing is using his weapon deciding on what body part he going to chop off with his weapon. He's isn't an expert like his instructor yet the new hunter has good/great accuracy when using short or long range weapons. Weapons like guns, shotguns, magnums and rifles the hunter can silent and well trained accuracy focusing with his right eye drowning out all noise with his ears. Still, Kain can miss a shot depending on an enemy speed and how fast they are. He's really an advanced skillful marksmen but still the hunter isn't an expert.

Mental Defenses:

Born/Skillful Vampire Fighter:
Nice bit of repetition in the ability. Also a great way to get yourself killed when you fight more than one opponent, considering that they could just walk up and shoot you when you "drown out" everything but the one guy you're trying to kill.

Nothing on the other sections has me thinking this was actually incomplete.

When is Doctor Octopus going to show up? wrote:
Organization: Unaffiliated

Personality: Silent and Quiet would be the only two things that best describe him because nobody has heard the man speak in a long time. He doesn't feel pity, remorse or fear but truthfully the vampire does have a code of honor in protecting people. Sometimes he'll listen to reason but then walk away in regret. Kain has a great desire to be the best on his own thinking the path of dark & solo hero-ship is his way of life. He doesn't care much about the past or much of the present either only just how to survive in the real world. He never had a close friend or someone to talk to help him with the emotional and deep emptiness with his life. Even though he's serious and quiet at times, Kain does have a caring attitude despite his anti socialness, he doesn't think himself as a tool but as a human being. Hopefully around his new friends maybe he can act like a human being instead of an bloodsucker. In short, Kain had something of an half breed law abiding attitude but deep down the soul within him cares about innocent people hoping to bring out some compassion towards a new life. Due to his appearance and for what has happen to him still have a tough time fixing the damage dent to his heart. Really he start to have nightmares and he'll go back to his anti social persona

Kain still refuses to talk to get help in deadly or helpful situations which is why he wears a mask.

Like before, Kain a quiet man that seeks isolation from the world really nobody knows what wrong with him in the inside of his mind. He might help people in times of need but after the job is done he'll disappear within the darkness and that person will never see him again.
This is pretty much just the exact same personality of every single iteration of this character, so look to those to figure out what the issues are.

[quote="Rank: Vampire Hunter/Assassin

Biography: It was a dark and story night within London. People were walking as it was raining everybody was a good time except one person a vampire within the sewers. Only one question haunts him, he could never even answer that question that scares and shatters his well being the moment he came "Who am I?". Kain De Vega doesn't remember anything about his past only bits and pieces show up with his dreams but having no meaning. All he remembers, He saved a girl from a vampire torturing her the bastard with his gang attacked him and stuck him with some drug then throwing him down in the sewers closing the manhole cover. Kain looks the fifteen syringes the gang injected him with it was a certain drug named Bendoziazephine whatever it was the guy couldn't even remember his name or anything. He hears someone screaming for help at that moment a certain instinct started to enter his brain giving his the means to move again. He attacks the sadists and saves the innocent victim an unknown desire enters his brain not knowing what it is, Kain walks away not pursuing it.

He returns back into his cold little home within the sewers nothing but cold and darkness to keep his memory calm and focus. Still, He wonders why did he do such a thing saving an innocent person whoever that was maybe a past memory of heroics. Kain felt himself getting weaker the vampire hasn't slept for days still somehow the guy managed to save a victim from violence but why was he getting weaker? He couldn't understand it so the lone warrior started walking passing some rats and dead bodies the smell of rotting flesh was unsettling. After eight hours of walking, Kain was about to give up until the vampire notices a light which it wasn't sunlight after breaking the wood holding the door. Kain had discovered an underground bunker some vampire was living here but whoever it was gone and their a black coffin yet the place was well furnished. Maybe, Kain could live here until maybe in weird twist of fate his memory of what he once was will return to him.

Stealing a person's coffin wasn't the right thing to do, Kain needed sleep laying within the coffin and closing the door to it seeing darkness again. All he knows now is that, Kain might have been a heroic vampire and it was his sworn duty to protect the innocent maybe it something. From that day forward, Kain would dedicate his life to protecting people until the vampire can finally remember who he once was.[/quote]
Amnesia isn't going to let you bullshit out of a biography. We need to know where your character comes from and why this is happening. It doesn't matter if your character doesn't know; you do.

None of this makes sense, either. I have no idea why any of this is happening, you go out of your way to be "dark and edgy" just to earn cool kid points, and you completely misunderstand what a coffin is for (despite three people explaining it to you in excruciating detail last night).

RP sample:The job was done and his long time nemesis was finally dead still nobody was hurt except him and path of nothingness. He does still believe justice and helping innocent people from supernatural beings, Kain still has a job to do but after it's finished the anti social part of him takes over. Suddenly, He feels something wrong the vampire drank from a lot of humans meaning their turn into ghouls then the hunter started hearing moaning sounds. Some ghouls were coming after him walking slowly without any controlling vampire to make them do the vamp's dirty work about twelve of them starting decaying a little. These poor souls needed to find peace hopefully the hunter can grant them all one way ticket into the gates of heaven while putting his shuriken out activating it trying to ignore the pain. He puts on a towel to damaged part to his face because of acid cleaning up some of the blood feeling a little better then before. He throws the shuriken killing the ghouls cutting their heads off but the 12th one the shuriken missed it target returning to the hunter's hand.  Grabbing his gun, Kain blasted the ghoul in the stomach but it was still moving then finally blasting it in the head which the ghoul falls to the ground. The hunter still feels pain from the acid it was having a damaging effect to the left side of his face but the mission is completed. The local police were coming once again they might want to question the hunter, Kain didn't want that at all answering a bunch of stupid questions and following protocols of the law.

He started walking away into the darkness of the night while cop cars were arriving to the scene wondering who dealt with the vampire. The cops wanted to know who this strange vigilante was the hunter didn't think of being something of a super hero just doing his job to the best of his abilities. He wasn't perfect like the other vampire hunters. Hopefully, Kain could escape without any problems and with nobody taking a look at his face with his mask being damaged might take a while to repair it.

He disappears into the night...
Not only is there no social post, there isn't even a battle post. All you do is kill Ghouls AFTER the climactic battle with your arch-fucking-nemesis is over (which shouldn't be possible if you knew your Hellsing). Shuriken do not work that way.

Your literacy is lacking, as usual, and you've failed to listen to anything anyone else has said as to why your characters are not going to be approved, as usual.

I don't even care that this isn't finished anymore. With how far along this is, it is not going to be redeemed.

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PostSubject: Re: [DELETE]   Mon Oct 07, 2013 1:22 pm

Ok I'm ready for checking again:D 
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PostSubject: Re: [DELETE]   Mon Oct 07, 2013 9:46 pm

Kain wrote:
Name: Garrett Anton Wilson

Age: 28 years old

Gender: Male
There's stuff.

Starting off wrote:
Physical appearance: Garrett Wilson is a African American but from a very special race which has been documented to be historic of a legend. He is a part of the Mandingo tribes which were known of being great strong warriors. Garrett has a muscular body because of all the training and hardships that the adult hero had to take from fighting enemies to experimental procedures. He has the height of (6'3") and his weight is almost of a normal brute wrestler which is (213lbs). He had the dark brown skin from like his African heritage. Like some African Americans, Garrett has pitch black hair but his hairstyle is braided in cornrow-loose style reasons for that is because, he was not into his original spiky hairstyle. The warrior has a few battle scars on his arms and one of left legs which he keeps hidden because sometimes this might be a turn-off to some people. His eyes are brown but when using his abilities then his eyes will turn pure dark blue almost like demonic looking eyes.
I really don't know whether to be offended or not by this. I haven't got any information on that tribe, so they may very well be the "legendary warriors" you say they are. It comes across as cultural fetishisation, though, and that isn't cool. Eye change is giving me bad vibes. You also have no face.

Oh boy wrote:
Clothing of choice: Garrett Wilson wears an upper black thin body suit with a thin baggy multi-zipper hooded jacket. In which he can unzip the sleeves making it into an vest. He's seen wearing black armored shoulder pads on each sleeve of the jacket. The guy sometimes wears thin black close finger gloves. To hide his face, Garrett is seen wearing skull mask to hide his identity despite the fact VWAT and the Government know exactly who he is. The lower part, Garrett wears black baggy jeans with dark blue pinstripe the jeans a loose fit so the soldier can have for moving and evasion methods. The jeans a multi pocket design, knee patch reinforcements and a internal adjustable waistband. He known to wear Size 12 Military style leather boots.
Everything is very general. Some things are specific, but others are still pretty out there. For example, did he just buy a mask at a costume store, or is this something a sane person could wear in a fight?

FFFF wrote:
Weaponry of Choice:
Custom Modified Beretta 92F Guns:

AA-12 Shotgun:
Here's an excerpt from what Seung Soo Young had to say about your guns.

"those 92FS that he has are abominations in my eyes. For the main reason that it's made to look cool not to be effective. There isn't any point to having those blades on there guns are guns not knives. The blades and the compensator at the end of the barrel would put too much weight on the front of the gun making his aim go downward. He'd have to compensate for the weight and recoil at the same time. Plus even if he did use the blades he'd get blood all over the damn gun and that stuff could lead to jams in the weapon that could lead to catastrophic failure. Also 800 RPM is way too high he's firing that thing faster than a submachinegun. It's a handgun and he'll be emptying magazines way to fast to do any damage.

AKA This

The AA-12 it isn't as bad as the 92FS but he needs to realize that the FRAG-12 round is only avaliable to military personnel and even then it is only in testing. So either he's stealing from the British Military or he has some damn good connections. Also just for the record the damn thing looks nothing like a damn Thompson."

So, yeah.

Bad guns wrote:
Sinful Bowie Knives
I guess "black blades" are supposed to be a serrated edge, or something.

Meh knives wrote:
Customized Holy Brass Knuckles
So, that silver thing isn't going to be very effective. Silver is for jewelry, not knuckle dusters.

Bob's Burgers wrote:
Race: Special Human

Abilities: Garrett's abilities are:
Special humans: Humans who have gained powers through supernatural means to turn into this state. Often through genetic experimentation or some freak accident, even hereditary genes passed down. These humans are hailed as special due to the unique aspects that dubs them as supernatural, yet they are still human.
Traits: Depending on what abilities they possess, it is often that these brands of humans are more fit than the regular ones, even able to go up on par with a vampire, albeit the weaker sorts.

M.D.S. Protocols: The MDS Protocols were build into a small supercomputer that was injected in the child's brain during his bio engineered birth. They were implanted into him to discipline into a trained warrior throughout his life the protocols were enhancing him body. Slowly, Garrett was becoming a super soldier the supercomputer act like a network putting certain micro machines into different parts of the body. The MDS Protocols is active when Garrett is fighting supernatural beings in which the machines are injected into his body allowing him to fight on the same level as his enemy. The small computer became self aware merging with Garrett's brain becoming one giving the human complete control. Their are certain enhancement protocols which Garrett follows until he's ready for the next level.
Enhancement Protocols
MDS Alpha: The first level. This gives him meager strength, agility, stamina, durability, and reflexes. Allowing him to fight against Class F Vampires and other weaker beings.
MDS Level 2: The second level. This gives him sublime strength, agility, stamina, durability, and reflexes. Allowing him to fight against Class F-D Vampires, Humans, Werewolf Cubs.
MDS Level 3: The third level. This gives him medium strength, agility, stamina, durability, and reflexes. Allowing him to fight Class F-C Vampires, Humans, Werewolf Younglings and Cyborgs. [Protocol Restriction: 3 player kills/D.M. Missions]
MDS Level 4: The forth level. This gives him large strength, agility, stamina, durability, and reflexes. Allowing him to fight Class F-B Vampires, Regenerators, Lycanthropes and Advanced/Armored Cyborgs. [Protocol Restriction: 5 player kills/D.M. Missions]
MDS Omega: The final level. This gives him huge strength, agility, stamina, durability, and reflexes. Allowing him to fight Class F-A Vampires, Perfect Regenerators, Lycanthropes and All form of Cyborgs. [Protocol Restriction: 8 player kills/D.M. Missions]

This doesn't make a single iota of logical sense. And, no, you are not being a vampire without any vampire weaknesses.

More to come wrote:
Swordsmen: From gov't training, Garrett is well trained in using bowie knives and katana blades. He was trained by sword masters to use katana blades in close combat. From self training, Garrett learned how to use bowie knives learning some good styles of knife fighting with his knives.
The government does not train people in the use of Japanese weaponry. Some sections will teach the use of combat survival knives, but not Bowie knives.

Still more wrote:
Marksmenship: From gov't training, Garrett has a good proficient in using both handguns and shotguns still some trouble using marksmen rifles. After some long training simulations, He known to be very fast with handguns. Having the ability to dual wield his handguns for shooting at close range with great accuracy. With shotguns, Garrett acts more of an trained explosive specialist when using his AA-12 just by pulling the trigger and aiming at the target with less or sometimes great accuracy. He had minor problems with rifles it a matter of holding them to improve his accuracy and his eye focus for targeting the enemy.
Something feels off about this, but I don't know what.

Let's see wrote:
Trained Martial Arts: A part of his government training regiment. He was trained constantly to become a well trained hand to hand combat. Through gov't funding, Garrett was trained in Karate, Muay Thai, Kick-Boxing and Judo. Really, Garrett doesn't have a good fighting stance the guy just fights with a trained fighting style hoping for a good battle to impress his superiors. Combined with his katana blade and brass knuckles, Garrett has earned the name "Shadow Reaper becoming a new and dangerous threat at close range against vampires and supernatural enemies.
You don't have a katana. You're also a bad fighter if you don't even have a form or defensive stance to use. Why would you get the name "Shadow Reaper" for anything? You don't use a scythe and that's something the rest of the military would mock you relentlessly for, not name you out of respect.

Bleh wrote:
Organization: VWAT

Personality: Throughout his childhood, Garrett followed the orders of the MDS Protocols not even saying a word to his family or people because of the computer implants. Most of time, Garrett was didn't feel any meaning to speak to anybody feeling his words were obsolete and utterly meaningless. The implants taught him to discipline himself showing him signs of respect and honoring people his family yet it better educated him throughout schooling. He never really have time to make friendships, finding peace or happiness and even love it didn't matter to him at all just following his orders. He felt more like a controlled robot then bio-engineered human every time a objective was completed it what the government created to be the best. He was much of a quiet man very silent in his actions; however the teenager still never got into fights or yell at anybody. At a young age, Garrett was under the orders of the implanted supercomputer within his brain it kept him under control calming any form of an vengeful attitude.

After a few vampire kills, Garrett started becoming more social in his actions even talking to people the computer within his brain was evolving.

Then with some missions completed, Garrett's computer began self aware combining with his brain the two began one. After that event, Garrett started to act more calm and collective in his actions having a down to earth attitude. His emotions and feelings felt released at that moment. He seeks enlightenment hopefully one day the soldier can forgive his mother and government for what they did to him and his brother. Having his brother's memories, Garrett is more of an easy-going man now who has a certain love for cats and pizza wondering. He now has something a romantic interest in some women. The soldier also admitting to not being very smart at times and talented but he believes that these are obstacles for him to overcome. After being trained, Garrett had a true fighting soldier having the desire to fight worthy opponents and knows that his fate is to win or die in battle. Throughout time, Garrett started becoming more confident in his abilities enjoying the thrill of fighting against strong & powerful opponents.

Despite all the advantages and disadvantages he has faced, he has been shown never to back down, even in the most overwhelming circumstances. Garrett's drive and motivation have allowed him to press through situations that would seem impossible.
Everything in this bio relates to this computer. You have no identity of your own. In addition, since the computer thing isn't getting approved, this isn't going to work at all.

No life wrote:
Rank: VWAT Special Officer, The Slayer
V.W.A.T. uses military ranks. How many nicknames is this guy supposed to have?

Fourteen wrote:
Biography: It all started when vampires appeared during a drug raid police officers were being killed and turned into ghouls. The vampire was registered as a Class D Vampire it reached a boiling point when that vampire killed a movie star in her home in gore filled massacre. Some people wanted this vampire dead the government had news conferences of the problems with vampires to do something.
Three sentences in and I'm already lost.

Why? wrote:
An government officer had a  super soldier plan that was long forgotten the MDS Protocols were placed into effect hopefully to kill vampires. The MDS Protocols was a way of making a well trained super soldier without feeling or normal human emotions but project were defunded during the 1970s. Since the program wasn't needed to deal major threats to the world, MDS Protocols were long forgotten classified as a failed project. Another official wanted to call in an organization that could deal with the vampire so they could move on other matters however it would cost them money. They wanted to Two children were born in Western New York within Sisters Hospital one of them was through normal means while the order was bio engineered. Linda Wilson was actually preparing to leave her life behind as a military scientist to start a family however a government official had her do one final experiment. She was ordered to clone the baby inside of her and bio engineered it, Linda thought this was an insane task but it was going to be her final experimentation. To the world, Cloning was ban within the United States due the vampire's actions they were going to give a shot and see what happens. If the experiment were to fail, Linda was given orders to destroy it but really she thought this was a part of her son having doubts about the whole thing.
Absolutely nothing in here makes sense. Cloning has never been banned in America, but it is also not even near perfection, especially in the 70's. This woman has no motivation for doing this, especially with it risking the life of herself and her child. None of this makes sense.

Why? wrote:
Within the hospital basement, A child was engineered within an artificial womb scientists were placing the MDS Protocols into the experiment they wanted results. The experiment took a number of days to create it into a normal baby finally the final injections were complete the experiment survived growing into a male child. Linda Wilson had two sons one of them was born in a hospital she named him Eric Wilson the other was bio engineered naming him Garrett Aaron Wilson. During childhood, Linda thought something was wrong with Garrett the child never talked at all doing his chores without any signs of fatigue. Linda wondered if the MDS Protocols had taken effect the child was bio-disciplined following orders knowing right and wrong and yet respecting his family. Growing up, Some teachers thought the child had social problems due to his un-ability to talk even though his grades were excellent children were wondering what was wrong. He finished grade school all the way to high school without any problems or failing grades the programs injected into him. They helped a great deal improving his body and his mind allowing him to finish assignments, Linda was asked by teachers what was wrong with him the child never spoke in class. They were problems about him being social to others but the protocols inside of him were physically and mentally training him, Garrett didn't feel like talking to anybody.
You know what? This isn't working. I could finish this and tell you everything that doesn't make sense or that I don't understand, but it's close to all of it. I don't think this can be redeemed.

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