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 Krieger ~WIP~

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PostSubject: Krieger ~WIP~   Fri Jul 20, 2012 7:35 am

Have you see the OVA or read the manga series of Hellsing? If so how far have you gotten? If not please direct your attention to YouTube, and watch OVA 1-4 at least. Warning: If you have watched the anime we require you watch the OVA, or read the manga. The anime is not canon. This is not our opinion. This is the law set down by the creator of Hellsing, Kouta Hirano. I haven't read the manga, but I've seen all of the OVA's.

Name:Krieger.

Age:Thirty one in appearance, but in reality one-hundred and one.

Gender:Female.

Physical appearance: Krieger stands at 5'6 and has no muscle what so ever on her snow-white body. She has short, blonde hair, which is cut messily from time to time, she also has a small mole on the left side of her chin. Her eyes are a mix between dark and light blue, she also has several surgical scar's going across her neck and stomach, which she keeps covered with her uniform.

Clothing of choice: This is her uniform with some slight changes)
Spoiler:
 

Krieger wears a old German WW1 uniform and helmet which is donned with a ebony spike, the helmet being a blue-grey. The helmet connects to her gas mask, the helmet's strap going under the helmet and giving it the appearance, that both mask and helmet are connected. Krieger wear's a trench-coat over the main uniform, which is a night black, the uniform has a red sash going across it while the German eagle is placed on her helmet and sash. She wear's a pair of white high thighs under her trousers, which are ebony colour with the eagle on the belt.

When off duty, Krieger wears a black Ushanka with the eagle standing proudly on the front with built in goggles. Around her neck is a mini-version of her gas mask, which at a moment's notice can be put on. She wears a mix of a corset and a long red jacket, the jacket part ending with a gold strip at the end of it, which reaches to the back of her heels while the corset covers hers stomach, just covering her breasts. She wears a small belt, to with the eagle on the buckle. She wears black stockings along with a garter belt instead of the normal white thigh- highs, the jacket part of the corset does not go around the front of her, showing her legs and some of her stomach. Or she just wears most of the stuff, but has a different jacket that can be buttoned up to cover all of her.

Spoiler:
 

Weaponry of choice: Kriger carries only three weapons. A Rast-Gasser M1898, which has been upgraded to fire most modern rounds, and the handle is a bright red, contrasting against the sliver colour of the gun. a Steyr-Mannlicher M1895. The stock of the rifle is chipped and scratched, near the butt and has been modified by Erika to have a build in bayonet, and instead of the five round bloc clip, it is now a ten round bloc clip, along with a new generation scope instead of the old war scope. Her last weapon is the SGI-72. Imperial German Guard Field Artillery sword, the handle is a ebony colour, the blade has Erika's name engraved on the main part of the blade and has a red ribbon tied at the bottom of the blade.

Race:Cyborg.

Abilities: Citlak'a is skilled with most weapons of war, including how to set-up, load and fire any mortar or AT gun, she is also a skilled swords-women and gun-fighter. Thanks to her metal skeleton,(thanks to the use of pistons and other tech.) she can pick up anything, but has a limit at seventy metric tons, which takes some effort to lift. Her body also has one new organ. Larraman's Organ, also called the Healer, Shaped like the human liver but only the size of a golf ball, this new organ is placed within the chest cavity and manufactures the synthetic biological cells known as Larraman Cells that were named after one of the researchers in the Order. These biosynthetic cells serve the same physiological purpose for an cyborg's as the normal human body's platelets, serving to clot the blood lost from wounds, but act faster, more efficiently and more effectively. When a Order cyborg is wounded and incurs blood loss, Larraman Cells are released by his circulatory system, attached to the body's normal leukocytes (white blood cells). At the site of the injury, they form scar tissue in a matter of seconds, effectively preventing massive blood loss and infection of the wound. The action of this organ is one of the reasons that the Order cyborg's are seen as nearly invincible and so difficult to kill despite the terrible wounds they sometimes endure.

For minor wounds to heal. (3 posts.)
For serious wounds. (18 posts.)

Biography: Born in Vienna in 1888, to a Hungarian mother and father in the Austro-Hungarian Empire, her mother and father were the head of the then Order of the Scarlet Rose, which was a secret order in the empire, dedicated to making everyone a machine or part machine. Being old enough to join the army, when the Great War(WW1) broke out, Citlak'a joined up. Having to dress and act like a boy was the main difficulty but she managed to pull it off, fighting in most of the battles before a rouge shell hit her trench, putting her on the verge of death, she was put in a long sleep and sent to the Order's HQ and was re-built.

After she was re-built she fell in love with a boy called Alek who she was the only one, that really seen her immature and naive side, he was later to die in the war.

After the Great War ended the Order entered a civil war, where Citlak'a was forced to kill her fellow cyborg's, she then killed everyone in the order, making it a shadow of it's former self. She now roams about, wearing her uniform and doing what she can to get fed and money. She now uses two names, her real name Citlak'a to friends and Krieger to foes.

Organization: Ex-Order of the Scarlet Rose. Now unaffiliated.

Personality: Citlak'a has a love for war, a certain passion for it, or that could just her programming, but alas she indeed loves war. Krieger's other favourite things are chocolate, ice cream and tanks, along with guns and swords. Citlak'a can seem cold at first but gets more friendly with people she knows, using the cold exterior as a way to not get hurt or abused by someone she thinks may be a friend, through she is always highly suspicious of allies and enemy alike and will kill both, if they get in the way of her mission. Krieger can be quite immature and naive at times also.

Rank:Private.

RP sample:1917-France.
Citlak'a adjusted her gas mask, the yellow gas or mustard gas was all around, two men had died beside her, having not gotten their masks on in time." EVERYONE FALLOW ME!" The officer shouted, Krieger fixed her bayonet and charged forward with the rest of the men, charging through the hail of gunfire, the mud, the rain and the dead bodies that littered the ground... It was a war that was un-needed and these young men had paid with their lifes. Citlak'a was not going to let this happen to her and so charged forward, she then landed in the enemy trench.


Two British infantry-men charged at her, bayonets and rifles pointed at her, she grabbed one's bayonet, cutting her hand in the process before head butting the other man, making him fall to the ground before slamming her bayonet into the other's throat, making him grasp it and moan in pain before falling to the trench floor, gurgling blood. But now the man she had head-butted stood up and cut her hip, making Krieger whimper before she ripped his mask off, the gas quickly killing him before she then sighed, they had took the trench, finally.

1994-Germany.

She sighed and walked into her apartment, falling on the couch before throwing her blood-stained trench coat to the side, her cat quickly prancing to her lap."Heh, miss me, Adeptus?"She then stroked the cat's fur before closing her eyes and imagining her first time with Alek.

She woke up in a bed, the new organ and robotics inside her while she heard a faint chant."From the rage of the beast, iron protect us. From this rotting-cage of Bio-matter, cleanse us, Omnirule."She sighed and rubbed her temples, her parent's were leading another praying session to the Machine Spirit, but a male sat at the bottom of her bed, patting her leg."W-Who are you?" Citlak'a asked him, her eyes finally getting used to the light, that still hurt her eyes."My name is Alek, I was looking after you and you have been out for a few weeks now."He smiled at her before kissing her forehead. She blushed and then kissed him, getting a quick kiss back."Now I must leave, my dear." She pouted then watched him walk out of the room and towards the prayer room, she then returned to sleep.


Last edited by Erika Krieger on Tue Jul 24, 2012 7:52 am; edited 2 times in total
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PostSubject: Re: Krieger ~WIP~   Mon Jul 23, 2012 4:12 pm

Currently, we do not have any organizations by the name of Ex-Order of the Scarlet Rose that you can work your OC into. It DOES NOT EXIST IN THIS RPG. Therefore you need to change your organization in which you wish to work your OC into in the RPG. Nothing more has been read on my part except the Organization section. If you do not change this aspect, you may risk instant disapproval on this sheet.
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PostSubject: Re: Krieger ~WIP~   Mon Jul 23, 2012 5:15 pm

Doing a quick Google of "Order of the Scarlet Rose" found nothing but a few middle ages role playing groups and stuff, so you at least get points for thinking of something new. However, like Maxwell said, this group is currently not a part of our world's timeline. A regular mercenary group of Neo-Nazis or something is fine because those things happen in real life and in Hellsing, but something this big influencing a nation that doesn't even seem possible at the time it was supposedly founded isn't acceptable. Now, let's move on to your actual character.

I usually don't have a problem with outlandish and weird names, but usually that's because they're real names. I don't know how I'd begin to pronounce your character or what it's supposed to mean, if anything. Quick Google supports me, but feel free to prove me wrong if you can find someone with that first or second name.

Age is pretty crazy, but I'll wait until biography pops up.

Appearance is kind of conflicting with display picture, but I'll go with it since it's minor. Not much of a face, though.

Clothing is strange, to say the least. I don't see how she goes from the first to second or how the second would benefit on colder missions, since it shows more skin than the first. A lot more.

Don't have much detail on weapons (capacity, coloring, measurements, etc.).

Here come abilities. Load and fire EVERY mortar? Don't know how to feel about that, but okay. Strength is not going to work. You can lift 70 tons? Really now? That is 140,000 lbs. Vampires cannot do that. Not going to let this new organ fly, partly because your whole description up there makes them nearly invincible and because of reasons I'll cover in biography.

I'm going to be honest: Your biography is insane. We get the handy introduction that this order dedicated to turning the world into machines is from the 1800's. We just now, in modern times, created artificial limbs that aren't just blocks of wood. Are we really meant to believe that these people are so brilliant and ingenious that they have not only found a way to make fully pose-able and working prosthetic at a time where amputation was the main solution for a bullet wound, but also created an entirely new organ that integrates flawlessly with a normal person?

Aside from that, you jump right from her being born to joining the army. Nothing happened between that time? Her life was THAT boring that you didn't feel the need to recount her childhood and such? Then, in the war, she apparently pulls a Mulan and disguises herself as a boy the entire time.

So, after she's injured, they just ship her off to their little headquarters just like that. Why? If she's in disguise and, I'm assuming, under a false name, why would they know it was her? Also, why would they care? She's just some woman whose family happens to be a part of their group which, again, they wouldn't know.

Next isn't a paragraph. It's a sentence about her being rebuilt, falling in love, and having that love die. You can really sum all that up in one sentence?

Next we have some civil war in your group. Why? What made them all turn against each other? I'm assuming she was on the winning side here, but that doesn't matter because she just up and kills everyone left alive for no adequately stated reason. Now she just walks around in a WWI uniform like an aspiring hipster that wants attention who hasn't yet found Tumblr. Also, why use two names? Your real one is strange enough; no need to make another.

First glance at personality makes it a rip of the Major. Loves war and food. Then we have the usual, "She'll warm up if you're nice to her," thing, but then you outright tell us she'll kill you for no real reason at all (worst, friend, ever). She's also immature and naive, but we don't get examples.

RP samples are short, but passable length. Problem I have is the abuse of commas and general strangeness of it all. There's apparently only two men in that entire trench and no one to help you. Next one confused me at first since I didn't get it was a flashback until a bit in. Also don't get much context from the start, which left me asking, "What did she just do...?"


I don't like to just outright disapprove things, but this character would not even be the same thing if I asked you for edits. That, and how, with an invalid organization as your biggest character motivator, it would be impossible.

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Disapprovals: 1
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PostSubject: Re: Krieger ~WIP~   Tue Jul 24, 2012 6:16 am

Hmmm, well. Time to atleast try and salvage this.
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PostSubject: Re: Krieger ~WIP~   Fri Aug 17, 2012 2:45 pm

Are you still working?
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PostSubject: Re: Krieger ~WIP~   Sat Sep 01, 2012 2:50 pm

I'm giving this until the 17th of September before I disapprove this.
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PostSubject: Re: Krieger ~WIP~   Sun Sep 09, 2012 4:30 pm

I'm not as lenient as Artisto. Disapproved due to lack of interest.

LOCKED AND MOVED
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