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PostSubject: .   Fri Sep 09, 2011 6:53 am

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Last edited by David Vokner on Fri Sep 09, 2011 11:22 pm; edited 4 times in total
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PostSubject: Re: .   Fri Sep 09, 2011 10:10 pm

I'll start off by saying that I suggest you read the updated forum rules before continuing, as I see a lot of things against them.

Have you see the OVA or read the manga series of Hellsing? If so how far have you gotten? If not please direct your attention to youtube, and watch OVA 1-4 at least. Warning: If you have watched the anime we require you watch the OVA, or read the manga. The anime is not canon. This is not our opinion. This is the law set down by the creator of Hellsing, Kouta Hirano.
I've seen up to OVA 8
Works.

Name: Real name: David A. Vokner(Lord Vorash)
I guess that's okay.

Age: 300(assuming the year is 2003 he was born in 1703)
Way too old for Cat. D or C.

Gender: Male
As I tell all members, there are no boys in anime; just girly looking men.

Physical appearance: Standing at six feet tall David looks deceiving to say the least. Under his robe there sits a muscular chest, yet, his silhouette displays himself as being nothing but a stick figure if that. His eyes are a golden crimson which display never an emotion to those around him. His hair, silver in color, and anime-ish in appearance. This is meant by the fact that most of it is slicked back with four bunches of hair dangling as bangs. David weighs a good one hundred and fifty pounds.
What does "golden crimson" mean, exactly? Those colors are pretty far apart on the spectrum.

His skin tone is peach with a hint of ghost white. With out a six pack, he looks as though he's not that formidable, but to the surprise of his opponent, he very well is strong that he looks. His arms are slightly muscular while his hands are almost feminine. His ears are elf-like in their appearance as well.
I don't see the connection between a six pack and strength. IRL, I don't have a six pack, yet I can pick a person up in each hand and Batman-throw them to two different sides of the room (I greatly enjoy talking about this). Also, why does he have elf ears?

Clothing of choice:
Head:
On his head, he wears his hair. This is normal for most people. He doesn't exactly wear anything on top of his head that accessorizes his body. Once in a very long time he'll wear a pair of black sunglasses which hide his odd colored eyes to most people so that he doesn't cause issues in public.

Upper Torso:
Upper torso is where the fun starts. On his chest first, is worn a special fabric which is silky to the touch on the inside. This cloth is in the form of an undershirt. Now, above that, is a regular dress shirt which is white, plain, and comfortable shirt. It's made of the same material so its silky and smooth on the inside, while being normal clothing cloth on the outside. Over this, is a dress coat. This is black, single breasted, and made like the other articles of clothing, silky inside with normal cloth outside. And lastly, there is adorned on his chest, and around his neck, a black tie made of silk.
Just have the ask, what is this stuff? And why can't he just wear normal clothes? Seems a bit frivolous considering it'll probably be exploded or shot up during a fight...

Lower Torso:
This isn't much interesting at all, his pants are silken inside with regular cloth outside and slightly baggy for easy of movement. Socks, silken cloth both inside and out, as well as the inside of the dress shoes. All of his clothes are made to not only fit but to allow ease of movement along with prolonged walking, movement, or other activities.
See above.

Accessories:
The final aspect of clothing, and not that uplifting part either. Over all of his clothes, he wears a long overcoat like object made of a think outside and silken inside. To top it off, it's adorned with a rather deep hood.
Not sure what a "think" is, and I'm not just being a smartass; I don't know what you're trying to say. Also, and this goes for all your clothes, you haven't really given us any color palette to work with.

Weaponry of choice:
A picture doesn't do it. Describe them.

Race: (Hoping Vampire)(I would prefer Category C, but at the VERY least, I'm willing to go as low as D. Anything lower and I'll have to choose something else >.<)
Told you in chat you have to start as D.

Abilities:

Vampire abilities are a give in I hope, here stated are my personal few I'd like added to my stack of abilities. We may decide what I need to get them if needed.
Copy and paste D abilities into here.

The Ability to manipulate or create a magnetic field.
No.

The ability to change one's form, be it sublimation, electricity, liquidation, etc..etc..
No.

The ability to charge objects you pick up to be explosive.
No, Kimbley.

The ability to create an Electra-magnetic pulse which disables electronics That the user touches.
No.

The ability to create a portal by warping a magnetic field. This is only accessible out of battle.
Doesn't even make sense physically and we already have a portal guy.


Anything you need explained as why I disapproved all those, ask in chat box or in your response here.


Organization: Millennium
Fine.

Personality: A true madman. That's what David is. David's thoughts are that of a true vampire. Every second of every day he thinks of who could be his next meal. Though, even through his thirst and lust for blood, there stands a gentle man wanting a love. That's the only way through his heart. However, he was but an interesting beast. He found life to be one big game. Even this didn't bother him though. He didn't care for the reason that he loved to kill and feed. It's what drove him to do things that a mere man would never think of. He's quite the silver tongue but also, will do anything he has to in order to get what he wants. Even, if that means eating his best friend's blood. This isn't a surprise for those who know him, for even before he was a vampire, he was essentially the same way.
Um, okay, I have some issues here. You describe him as a madman, which I'm more or less fine with, then you go into the whole "he's sensitive and misunderstood" part, that makes me question how that's not contradictory. Like I said, while I don't have anything against him being crazy, he needs to have some loyalty factor if he's in Millennium; if he just went around killing everyone in sight, they'd have him killed sooner or later.

Rank: Anything above Grunt >.> BUT, I can take grunt if that's all that's available.
Up to Major.

Biography:

Going to say this at the start: While I don't know what our stance is supposed to be on this, I don't know if you're allowed to write in first person at all. I'll see what comes about in a staff discussion. I suggest just rewriting in 3rd for now though.

I was born on December eleventh, three hundred years ago. I used to be a playful child. I started life with good in my heart and kindness on my sleeve. I grew up as an honorable gentleman of the past. Most knew those types of people as Knights, or sometimes, Counts. During the age of when I was born, I lived in a small plot of land which still followed the old ways of life. I'm naturally English, yes, from England. Being a noble, I fell in love with a woman who I thought was a commoner.
I don't know if you're going to get to this, but describing him as noble, honorable, and all that sort of contradicts how you said he was about the same as the present as a human in his personality. Also, how is he a knight or a count if he's just got a tiny plot of land? They both controlled vast amounts of space (these are also two very different titles, so please decide which you want).

Little did I know, she was really a vampire. It took her twenty long years to finally commit that horrible act which I remember so vividly. That act was what made me what I am today. That's right, she bit me. She was quite the powerful Vampire as she turned me pure Vampire and instead of becoming one of those things that she commanded, I become a vampire myself. I don't know why this happened, but I'm told it has something to do with corrupted innocence.
I'm just going to throw this out here; I don't believe they were married for 20 years and never had sex.

It wasn't until a few years later, was I picked up by a small band of mercenaries who were ex-marines from the United states. They were kind enough give me shelter, weapons, languages, and even teach me how to fight and use weapons. This was all because I helped them that day. Now, I didn't do much, but I did help them defeat a horde of ambushing terrorists. They decided to cast aside my difference and help me.
Wait, wait, wait; so this is, like, 1750 now or something? America barely existed, let alone had a marine force. And what kind of terrorists are they fighting? Also, where'd his wife go?

Being grateful is the least I can say to express how I feel about what they've done for me. They all died a few years by a sort of invasion from these odd Germans. It was odd for the reason that, they bore the Nazi flag. I remembered thinking how the Nazi were defeated last I knew. Those Nazi gave me an offer I couldn't resist. The blood of my enemies, my allies, and to quench my thirst.
Once again, I'm lost with these dates. You say 20 years passed since he married her, making it 1730-40, then you say a couple more years pass since he met the marines, meaning it's like 1750 or something. Now Nazis have come around killing people when they shouldn't show up for another 200 years. And then he up and joins the guys who killed his good friends. Right...

In a nut shell, that was my life until now.
That can't be it. There's a bunch of huge gaps in here, such as being why they offered to let you join instead of killing you, for one. You also offer no sufficient reason as to why he'd be so psychopathic; in fact, he seems pretty mellow and cool in your bio here. You also fail to explain his "sensitive and caring" side from your personality and how he developed that.
RP sample:

Social:
A gentle breeze struck the land as a tall man appeared before a group. This group was those which he was to meet. They were part of the Major's crew and they were there to teach him through both combat and every day jobs. It wasn't that interesting being a Nazi, well, at least not as interesting as he thought it would be working for Hellsing. At Hellsing they had the fabled Alucard to show off while these rag-tag bunch of misfits had..what...boom sticks and swords, that's about it. His body moved him with out thinking to the group. Standing next to a taller man, he eyed his appearance. Odd, that's how he described the man that was standing next to him. Then, he said it. The man next to him told David to gear up so he could at least feel what it was like to have full gear on. With a nod, he moved in to the weapon's locker and started to shift things around. He took an M107 Barrett Sniper rifle which he placed on his back via strap, The holsters for the rest of his weapons were already equipped to him. It had a spot on the back for his M107, but he chose not to use it at the moment. Taking hold of two BFR Magnum Research types, he twirled them in his hands via his pointer fingers. Then, with a fast move, he holstered them on either side of his belt holsters. Next, he picked up two sawed off shotguns which he placed on the back of his belt holster. Next, he took two trench knives, placing them in front of him on his belt. Taking two more knives he placed one in his shoe and the other hidden behind him. With a movement, he was satisfied with all that he'd done and how he felt so far. And now, it was time to really try something interesting......

Battle:
The hanger bay was cold but his opponent's heart was even colder. This man, he was the killer of men, destroyer of whole countries, and to top it off, he had killed that girl who made David a vampire. His body shifted gently, almost like an elegant dance, as he moved about the area. His right hand slipping in to his holster on his right side as he pulled forth a rather large pistol. The BFR Magnum, an interesting pistol indeed. Aiming at his opponent in one swift move, he fired a single shot which he then used in correlation with superhuman speed to get behind his enemy with relative ease. This was due to the fact that the bullet was the distraction. Next, he pointed his pistol to the back of the opponent's head and just stood there. No, in reality his opponent was not the destroy of whole countries. In fact, the opponent of David Vokner was nothing more than a mass kill-able solder from Millennium who's life was meaningless. As such, he took the shot. Pulling the trigger, the bullet escaped the barrel to strike the man's hear which then, due to the proximity of the shot, blew apart. It had ended, and he passed out from a fit of exhaustion where he started to dream....

Romantic:
His hand gently rested on the woman's face. Her soft silken skin giving his cold hands a gentle feel to touch. Her face, warm and slightly blushing. His body moved closer in one fowl-swoop. Their bodies pressed to each other, they were as close as two could get. His left arm reached around her to rest on the small of her back while his right thumb started to caress her cheek. It was heaven, well, as best as he could get to it. The gentle movement of his right hand reaching around to clasp with his left was quick and decisive. He knew what he wanted to do and he did it just the same. His head lowered to her as those god awful fangs protruded from his mouth. He was the typical vampire at the moment, four sets of fangs, each being a canine tooth. His lips perked gently, almost as if to give the impression of a twitch as his head moved closer to her's. Eventually, their lips locked in a phantasm of feeling and love. They defiantly loved each other, and it showed. Those golden red eyes gently closed as he left his body to the kiss. Every muscle in his body screamed in joy, as his mind did as well. Their lips gently parted from each other as he smiled. Perhaps this was more than love, perhaps, done day, it would become so....

Didn't really feel like reading the RP blocks right now, so I'll leave it at what I've said so far. This is indeed savable, it just depends on how much effort you want to put forth with it.
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PostSubject: Re: .   Fri Sep 09, 2011 10:29 pm

Now, I'm quite intrigued about all of my abilities being denied. I'll assume since that's going that way, that you don't want OC's having their own abilities. The rest will be elaborated on, however, your tone does come off as something I don't really like. Would you please try and come off more, kind? Thank you.
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PostSubject: Re: .   Fri Sep 09, 2011 10:39 pm

It's not that we don't like original abilities, it's just that all of those are grossly over powered. If you need me to I'll go into more detail on this. And I'm blunt with my speech so as not to confuse people. Sorry if you don't like it, but I'm not going to hold your hand through the whole ordeal; I'll help you as much as I can, but it's your responsibility in the long run.
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PostSubject: Re: .   Fri Sep 09, 2011 10:43 pm

I see. Well, at least I know everyone else gets the same treatment of your tone which comes off....quite..well, never mind about that. Anyway, Yes, please, go in to detail. Especially about the shape shifting since, That's a natural Vampire ability on Hellsing.
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PostSubject: Re: .   Fri Sep 09, 2011 10:51 pm

The Ability to manipulate or create a magnetic field.

*bullets shot from all sides*
*puts up field, stops them in mid air, then shoots them back*
I'd even go so far as saying you could throw off the Earth's rotation with this power.

The ability to change one's form, be it sublimation, electricity, liquidation, etc..etc..

This is an ability for higher level vampires, which is why I recommended reading the updated rules.

The ability to charge objects you pick up to be explosive.

Once again, Kimbley's power from FMA. Not to mention you can do this:
*touches the enemy's gun*
*it explodes, destroying their arms and nearly killing them*

The ability to create an Electra-magnetic pulse which disables electronics That the user touches.

*uses ability, all cameras, computers, and defense systems in the area miraculously lose power as you sneak through the area, allowing the force of 500 Ghouls and FREAKS to come storming in, unnoticed.*

The ability to create a portal by warping a magnetic field. This is only accessible out of battle.

Like I said, this makes no logical sense whatsoever. You can't create a portal by manipulating magnetic fields. Portals are called wormholes in astrological talk; a closed space that opens from one end of the universe to the other by literally pinching and distorting space-time. Charging a magnetic field would do nothing besides make appliances and magnets go crazy. Also, we already have a portal guy (me, actually).


You also neglect to explain why he has any of these abilities to begin with, as well. That's a big part of how we judge whether to accept OC abilities or not.
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PostSubject: Re: .   Fri Sep 09, 2011 10:57 pm

Well if you think he is harsh about that, you won't like me at all. I will be very straightforward with you. These abilities are not only over powered but are proof that you didn't even bother to read our rules or the private message that every person receives when they start their account. I agree with all of the suggestions for improvement. For the moment, I would suggest that you keep the character to the ability restrictions we give it rather than make up new ones. Finally, while shape shifting is a natural ability, it belongs in Category A vampires so please go back and read the rules before you make a sheet. I will hold off on my vote for the moment. Please put this as work in progress until you are ready for my vote.
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PostSubject: Re: .   Fri Sep 09, 2011 11:21 pm

I see. Very well. I will delete this whole application and start anew.
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PostSubject: Re: .   Fri Sep 09, 2011 11:23 pm

Nobody said that...
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PostSubject: Re: .   Fri Sep 09, 2011 11:34 pm

Guess I'll put this into disapproval if you're done with it...
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PostSubject: Re: .   Sat Sep 10, 2011 12:06 am

I just need cool down time -sighs- My apologizes, life has been cruel the last while.
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PostSubject: Re: .   Sat Sep 10, 2011 12:08 am

I'll bring it back out if you want.
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PostSubject: Re: .   Sat Sep 10, 2011 12:11 am

It's alright, I make a new topic. I'm thinking of changing major parts of everything anyway. I'm not sure. -strokes the bridge of his nose- Life's a bit too cruel sometimes. Again, my apologies.
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