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 Path to Redemption; A Hellsing Fanfic

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PostSubject: Path to Redemption; A Hellsing Fanfic   Fri Jan 21, 2011 8:10 am

Chapter One: The Chosen One

All I remember from that fateful day in June 1799 is that creature of the damned biting me and making me into a monster. I hibernated for three and a half centuries and woke up in a creepy mausoleum. I broke the lid of mu coffin and broke through the marble of the tombstone. Cobwebs hung here and there and out of the window I could see the silver moon giving off a beautiful pool of white light. I took my sword out of my grave and strapped it to the left side of my slim waist. My ebony hair flowed down to my waist like a silky black waterfall. My skin was as pale as the marble that was once my tombstone and as cold as ice. I wore the dress I was buried in. Gothic black lace and Mary Jane shoes and black leather gloves. I opened the door and walked out into the night.


I didn’t know where I was going. I kept hearing things now and again that a normal human couldn’t hear. I needed to feed, but I wasn’t about to stoop down to the levels of a monster. A rustling noise came from the right of me. I drew my sword silently. “Who’s there?” I called out. I heard an insane cackle. Then she attacked me. I quickly jumped into an oak tree and she came after me. With a sudden act of sheer instinct, I impaled the she vampire’s heart and she turned to ashes.
“Impressive I must say.” Came a cool but calm voice. I snapped my head to the direction of the noise. A man walked out of the shadows. He was wearing Victorian clothing which I found odd seeing as I came from the 18th centaury. I stood my ground and hissed.
“What in the name of God do you want?” I asked through gritted teeth.
“I’ve come for you. My name is Alucard. I was an ally to your parents. “ The man said.
“Ok. My name is Raven Gilbert. I was bitten on the 5th June 1799.” I said. Alucard nodded. I left the graveyard to pursue the monsters responsible for my curse.


I had walked many days and finally came to London. I smelt blood and the hunger boiled up inside of me. I fought it and transformed into a black, ice blue eyed cat. Walking along a wall a saw the same man I had come across a few days before. I sat on the wall and looked at him. Alucard seemed to sense who I was because he looked up and smiled at me.
“Never thought I’d find you here, Raven.” He said. I let out a comforting meow. Alucard pointed to his shoulder, so I jumped down and rested there and put my tail around his neck.
Thank you, Alucard. I said to him telepathically. Alucard let out a satisfied chuckle. As we walked he scratched me behind the ears every so often which made me purr. In my human form being tickled either behind the ears or my sides will make me laugh. A grand house soon came into view and my pupils widened.
Err, Alucard? Where are we? I asked him.
We are at the Hellsing Headquarters. Here you shall train and become a Hunter, just like your parents. He said. I nodded and jumped off his shoulder and transformed back.


We walked into the manor and were greeted by a woman with long white hair and circular glasses. I folded my arms. She didn’t seem to taken aback.
“My name is Integra F. W. Hellsing.” She said. I sighed and looked elsewhere. Alucard let out a startled gasp.
“What?” I asked looking a little confused.
“Your birthmark. It’s in the shape of the holy cross.” He said.
“Yes. So what.” I shrugged. Hellsing sighed and looked at me like I’d gone crazy.
“You are the Chosen One. Once every two thousand years a girl is chosen by God to fight the evil that is to come. She is give the mark of the holy cross to protect her from such evils.” She said.
“Right so you want me to fight some big bad ass monster? Good luck. I haven’t trained for three and a half centuries. “ I said with a hint of sarcasm clouding my voice.
“That’s why I am appointing Alucard as your trainer.” Integra said. I nodded.
“Alright I’ll do it. I still haven’t saved enough lives to regain my soul. So if I save the earth maybe I will be offered redemption.” I mused out loud. Nods of agreement came from both Alucard and Mr Hellsing. This was really looking to be my path to redemption so I could rejoin my loved ones...
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PostSubject: Re: Path to Redemption; A Hellsing Fanfic   Fri Jan 21, 2011 5:56 pm

As one Hellsing fanfic author to another can I give you my honest opinion? I ask because I know how most people don't give a proper critique of the work.
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PostSubject: Re: Path to Redemption; A Hellsing Fanfic   Fri Jan 21, 2011 7:42 pm

Sure give me the worst
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PostSubject: Re: Path to Redemption; A Hellsing Fanfic   Fri Jan 21, 2011 9:41 pm

Raven Nightclaw wrote:
Chapter One: The Chosen One

All I remember from that fateful day in June 1799 is that creature of the damned biting me and making me into a monster. I hibernated for three and a half centuries and woke up in a creepy mausoleum. I broke the lid of mu coffin and broke through the marble of the tombstone. Cobwebs hung here and there and out of the window I could see the silver moon giving off a beautiful pool of white light. I took my sword out of my grave and strapped it to the left side of my slim waist. My ebony hair flowed down to my waist like a silky black waterfall. My skin was as pale as the marble that was once my tombstone and as cold as ice. I wore the dress I was buried in. Gothic black lace and Mary Jane shoes and black leather gloves. I opened the door and walked out into the night.

You actually started out pretty good here with your visual description, and had a minor spelling error. Your sentences were a bit short, and perhaps could have been worded differently so they wouldn't sound like they were left hanging. For example the part where you say "I wore the dress I was buried in." I feel like you could give us more there.


Raven Nightclaw wrote:
I didn’t know where I was going. I kept hearing things now and again that a normal human couldn’t hear. I needed to feed, but I wasn’t about to stoop down to the levels of a monster. A rustling noise came from the right of me. I drew my sword silently. “Who’s there?” I called out. I heard an insane cackle. Then she attacked me. I quickly jumped into an oak tree and she came after me. With a sudden act of sheer instinct, I impaled the she vampire’s heart and she turned to ashes.
“Impressive I must say.” Came a cool but calm voice. I snapped my head to the direction of the noise. A man walked out of the shadows. He was wearing Victorian clothing which I found odd seeing as I came from the 18th centaury. I stood my ground and hissed.
“What in the name of God do you want?” I asked through gritted teeth.
“I’ve come for you. My name is Alucard. I was an ally to your parents. “ The man said.
“Ok. My name is Raven Gilbert. I was bitten on the 5th June 1799.” I said. Alucard nodded. I left the graveyard to pursue the monsters responsible for my curse.

Ok now here you have some grammar issues. Things that are relatively minor but are necessary to voice. Instead of saying "I kept hearing things now and again that a normal human couldn't hear." It would have sounded better if you had said "I kept hearing things here and there that a normal human would not be able to hear." When you say "'Who's there?' I called out." It should actually be "'Who's there,' I called out." I called out is like saying I said. When you have that kind of situation in a story you always have what the character says without adding a period or question mark, followed by a coma, and the I said or I called out.

Again you have an issue with short sentences, and cutting a sentence too short. True you do not want any run on sentences, but a very short sentence is not needed either. It is also here that I run into a problem with your character. She sees Alucard, and is ready to fight him if necessary, but when he says he was an ally to her father and mother she just automatically trusts him? Also why is her saying when she was bitten important for him to know? Did she follow Alucard, and what did Alucard do? You just suddenly have him there, and then he just stays there. You give him no proper exit or reason why he is still there. Finally how did she know Alucard was there to help her as you put it "pursue the monsters responsible."


Raven Nightclaw wrote:
I had walked many days and finally came to London. I smelt blood and the hunger boiled up inside of me. I fought it and transformed into a black, ice blue eyed cat. Walking along a wall a saw the same man I had come across a few days before. I sat on the wall and looked at him. Alucard seemed to sense who I was because he looked up and smiled at me.
“Never thought I’d find you here, Raven.” He said. I let out a comforting meow. Alucard pointed to his shoulder, so I jumped down and rested there and put my tail around his neck.
Thank you, Alucard. I said to him telepathically. Alucard let out a satisfied chuckle. As we walked he scratched me behind the ears every so often which made me purr. In my human form being tickled either behind the ears or my sides will make me laugh. A grand house soon came into view and my pupils widened.
Err, Alucard? Where are we? I asked him.
We are at the Hellsing Headquarters. Here you shall train and become a Hunter, just like your parents. He said. I nodded and jumped off his shoulder and transformed back.

Again you have the same grammar issues, and problem with short sentences. There's also a building theme here which I shall voice later on.


Raven Nightclaw wrote:
We walked into the manor and were greeted by a woman with long white hair and circular glasses. I folded my arms. She didn’t seem to taken aback.
“My name is Integra F. W. Hellsing.” She said. I sighed and looked elsewhere. Alucard let out a startled gasp.
“What?” I asked looking a little confused.
“Your birthmark. It’s in the shape of the holy cross.” He said.
“Yes. So what.” I shrugged. Hellsing sighed and looked at me like I’d gone crazy.
“You are the Chosen One. Once every two thousand years a girl is chosen by God to fight the evil that is to come. She is give the mark of the holy cross to protect her from such evils.” She said.
“Right so you want me to fight some big bad ass monster? Good luck. I haven’t trained for three and a half centuries. “ I said with a hint of sarcasm clouding my voice.
“That’s why I am appointing Alucard as your trainer.” Integra said. I nodded.
“Alright I’ll do it. I still haven’t saved enough lives to regain my soul. So if I save the earth maybe I will be offered redemption.” I mused out loud. Nods of agreement came from both Alucard and Mr Hellsing. This was really looking to be my path to redemption so I could rejoin my loved ones...

Ok my first automatic problem in this final paragraph is your description of Integra. She has natural platinum blond colored hair. It can appear white yes in a certain light, but it's just a really pale shade of blond. The next problem I have is why would Integra be taken aback by you? She is used to seeing vampires so I do not understand why it would be a surprise. She would, however, be extremely pissed off with Alucard for bringing in another vampire without her permission. Then you continue her OOC act by having her give out her informal name. Integra when introduced to someone always says her proper title. So instead of informally saying "My name is Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing," she would say "Good Evening. I am Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing commander of the Hellsing Organization." When it is in the case of being announced in the Royal Court it would be announced as "Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing." In this forums case her title is spoken as "Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing, Duchess of Surrey." Integra has many titles, but those titles are only announced as part of her name amongst certain crowds since not everyone knows of the Protestant Knights, and Hellsing. However, her name no matter what is always Sir Integra. Never the informal Integra when being spoken to by anyone other that Walter and Alucard, or introducing someone to her.

The next issue is your lack of research or knowledge of the Catholic faith. Christianity was invented 2000 years ago by a man named Jesus. Seeing as how Christianity has only been in existence for 2011 years it would be impossible for there to be a girl named once every 2000 years when the religion never existed in the first place until 2011 years ago. Secondly the cross only became a symbol of the Christian faith long after Jesus was crucified. Even then Jesus wasn't crucified on a cross but rather on a large wooden capital T. The T became a cross again long after Jesus was executed. The cross symbol is actually taken from the Ancient Egyptian religious symbol the ankh. The ankh means eternal life. So really the fact that she has a cross as a sign from god that she's the choosen one is again impossible. Just so you understand everything in Christianity was taken, or rather stolen in my opinion, from the Pagan religions when the Roman Emperor Constantine decided to make it the official religion of the Roman Empire. In order to make the change smoothly for him, as well as other Romans, he took things from the Pagan religions of the world and put them into Christianity. The ankh is an example of this act. Finally on this matter your character sounds rather selfish saying that she'll be saved if she kills all these monsters. What makes her special from any other being in the world who maybe needs it more than her?


Ok now for the overall review of this chapter. I'll be completely honest it would hardly pass for as a chapter. You barely gave us anything to be considered a chapter in any book. You hardly provided explanations for anything, you had a lot of grammar issues, you lacked in proper research, and you have two of the most well known canons of Hellsing completely out of character. Finally your character is dripping of Mary Sueism, and you took it to another level by making her "The Chosen One," and that she was selected by God himself. Vampires first of all are demons. God does not, and would not want to save them. Alucard became a vampire because he cursed God, and denounced his faith. So God struck back by cursing Alucard to eternal damnation. Vampires are also affected by holy objects, prayers, and the cross. Again this is because they are demons. The proof that they are demons is they cannot cross open water, and running water at high tide. Should a vampire fall into the water they lose their powers. The reason is because bodies of water are a portal to Hell. Demons can enter our world through bodies of water such as a river, large lake, or ocean. This is why there is so much paranormal activity near such places. So as I said earlier it's impossible for her to have a cross as a birthmark, and for her to be saved.

Here's my advice for you so you can improve your work. If English is your first language then relearn your grammar or at least watch it better. There are sites that can help you proof read, and give you the meaning as well as when to use the proper marks. If English is a second language then I would suggest getting a beta reader, and study harder. Secondly, research research research. A good story is filled with research of anything. Twilight is a great example of how something can come out horrible if you do not do your research. The author of Twilight did not research the native american tribe, the area, skinwalkers, or vampires. I say skinwalkers and not werewolves because Natives have their own version of the werewolf called the skinwalker. A skinwalker can change into any animal it identifies with. Most do choose the form of a wolf, but others choose the bear, coyote, or another animal. Finally, learn to cut off the Mary Sueism. No one is perfect in this world, or the world of our beloved characters. Not even Neo from the Matrix was perfect even though he was supposedly "The One."

Please understand I do not say all of this to be mean to you I tell you this to help you improve.
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PostSubject: Re: Path to Redemption; A Hellsing Fanfic   Fri Jan 21, 2011 10:03 pm

Listen this is my story so please delete your post
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PostSubject: Re: Path to Redemption; A Hellsing Fanfic   Fri Jan 21, 2011 11:04 pm

She was just giving you constructive criticism.Calm down.
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PostSubject: Re: Path to Redemption; A Hellsing Fanfic   Sat Jan 22, 2011 1:21 am

Raven Nightclaw wrote:
Sure give me the worst
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PostSubject: Re: Path to Redemption; A Hellsing Fanfic   Sun Jan 23, 2011 11:08 am

She offered a critique and you said yes, you can't just tell her to delete her post just because she pointed out a couple issues. If she had told you it was great, would you then tell her to delete it? No of course you wouldn't. Constructive criticism helps any kind of artist improve and if you cannot accept it when someone points out a flaw or two, then that's concerning.
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