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 Raven Nightclaw [DONE]

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PostSubject: Raven Nightclaw [DONE]   Wed Jan 19, 2011 7:41 am

Have you see the OVA or read the manga series of Hellsing? If so how far have you gotten? If not please direct your attention to youtube, and watch OVA 1-4 at least. Warning: If you have watched the anime we require you watch the OVA, or read the manga. The anime is not canon. This is not our opinion. This is the law set down by the creator of Hellsing, Kouta Hirano. Read up to OVA 5

Name: Raven Nightclaw---Nightclaw is an alias.

Age: Appears 18 actual age 478 hasnt fed for two and half centuries due to hibernation

Gender: Female

Physical appearance: Raven is around five foot two inches in height. Here eyes are an icy blue which gives her a demonic stare. Her long ebony hair reaches to her waist and has red streaks, one either side of her head. He skin is ivory place and cold to the touch and her nails are painted black. She has an athletic build due to all the training a gymnastics she does. She has a tattoo of a celtic cross on her right shoulder and a Pentagram on her left. The whole of both ears are peirced as are her lips which have snakebites. Raven has a birthmark of a holy cross on the back of her neck located in the middle. She also wears a cross around her neck.

Clothing of choice: Nightclaw prefers to wear Gothic clothing. Mainly when shes out on the prowl she will wear tight leather trousers and a long sleeved shirt. When shes in the mood and goes out, she will wear a long black velvet dress where the sleeves are long at the wrist. In training Raven wears baggy jeans and a loose top so she can move and flex about easily.

Weaponry of choice: Raven wields a Tyrex, which is a silver edged blade and has Jesus dying on the cross as its hilt. She also has two Desert Eagles which are loaded with either silver bullets or UV bullets.

Bio: Raven was born in Cheshire, England in the 18th centuary on the 7th Januray 1778. Raven's family were hunters and were renowed in the North West of England. She had a tough up bringing but it was fair. Her father was Lord Craig Gilbert and her mother Lady Victoria Gilbert. Raven never cared much for her family's nobility status and normally stayed at home either reading or playing the piano.

By the time she had reached her twelfth birthday, she began to train. She trained with her father who was a renowed Hunter within Cheshire. Raven trained until she was twenty years old which, by that time, she had her sword. She was proud of herself and wanted to make her family proud.

In the year 1799, her family was murdered by some supernatural creature that Raven dare not speak of. She came back from riding her horse one evening and found her home burnt to a crisp. This awakend the power to influence animals and will help her seek revenge. This is how she became a Hunter. devouting her life to save others. Protecting them from the same evil her family had been exposed to.

A few years later she came into contact with a vampire. She couldnt destroy him and she was bitten. She went through the painful change and since then it only made her grudge agaisnt vampires that much stronger.

A few centuries passed and she came across the Hellsing Organisition. She told them her story and joined up to help rid the world of any evil being. Raven became a devout Protestant to make sure that God was on her side in all of her missions.

Now she wonders the earth on many a mission to keep the levels of good and evil in balance. For Raven now she doesn't know what the future holds but she knows it is stained with blood.

Race: Vampire

Abilities: Due to her family's history, Raven can tame animals without training them. This comes with a serious risk. Once to attached to an animal a part of Raven dies off either her soul or she will die al together. She can shape shift but very rarely. When she does shapeshift she can change into a black cat with blue eyes. The trouble is she hasn't quite mastered how to change back.

Organization: Hellsing

Personality: Raven stays silent most of the time. She thinks before she acts. Shes not the type of person you want to make very angry as her anger can get the better of her. With friends she will talk for ages unless you tell her to shut up. The way she acts depends on her mood. If shes happy she wont mind lending a helping hand but if shes angry she will leave a person with a few broken bones. Raven is more the suffer in silence type and wont tell anyone her problems unless she really trusts you.

Rank: C
RP Sample Raven stood on the top of Big Ben in London. She was looking for someone or something. Her ebony hair blew gently across her pale face. Her guns were in their holsters which were strapped to her thighs. She smiled as she spotted the person she had been tracking for several nights. Tonight blood would be shed but it wouldn't be hers. She jumped off the tower, somersaulted and landed on her feet as delicatly as a feline. She was wearing her Converse All Stars on her feet so she wouldn't be heard. Even though she was wearing leather trousers, they didn't make a sound. She followed the female into an alley way and saw her feeding off an innocent businessman. "May God have mercy on you." Raven said with a sinister grin which showed her own fangs. The woman hissed and made a swipe at her but missed. Raven drew both of her guns which were loaded with silver bullets. She fired and the bullet made a fatal contact with the woman's heart. The vampire turned into nothing. Raven was too late to save the mans life. She knelt beside the man and made the cross gesture over her body. "May you find peace with God and his angels." she whispered. Raven took out a lighter and threw it on the body and left it to burn.


Last edited by Raven Nightclaw on Wed Jan 19, 2011 11:32 am; edited 3 times in total
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PostSubject: Re: Raven Nightclaw [DONE]   Wed Jan 19, 2011 9:15 am

Due to her family's history, Raven can control the Element of Fire and Water.

I'm sorry but we do not allow the use of elementals here.
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PostSubject: Re: Raven Nightclaw [DONE]   Wed Jan 19, 2011 10:09 am

Ok I will update it
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PostSubject: Re: Raven Nightclaw [DONE]   Wed Jan 19, 2011 10:12 am

Done hope its alright
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PostSubject: Re: Raven Nightclaw [DONE]   Wed Jan 19, 2011 10:58 am

Overall the sheet looks acceptable but I have a few nitpickey points here and there.

1. actual age 478 <=== that is extremely old for a category C vampire. By that time your character would have, in all liklihood, evolved to the higher levels of vampirism. I would suggest either toning down the age or putting in a line in her personality/bio to the effect of "she absolutely refused to drink blood for blah blah years". That way there's at least a partial explanation for why she's still only a Cat C after 400 years. That being said, I would reccomend just scaling back the age.

2. UV bullets. <== When I read this I immediately think of the experimental tracer rounds that the Lycans used in the Underworld movies. Cool idea, but there is no evidence of it existing in Hellsing canon. That being said, I'm sure it's not beyond Walter's skill to create such a round. But even then, sunlight isn't quite as effective against Hellsing-verse vamps as it is on vampires from other fandoms. Before I ramble on any more, the point is, I don't really see why you would need those UV rounds.

3. "Her family were vampires but also hunters. " <=== I'd like you to expound on this a bit more. How did her family become vampires? How did she? Why do they hunt their own kind?

4. "Raven became a devout Catholic to make sure that God was on her side in all of her missions." <== Hellsing is a Protestant organization. The Iscariot are the fanatical Catholics.

5. "She let a fireball consume her hand and she set the dead body alight and it turned to ashes." <== there's that elemental stuff again. Not gonna work.

Sorry if I seem like a hardass about all this little stuff but we've had problems in the past over smaller details so nipping it in the bud here saves everyone some time and energy. Make these little edits and you should be set. Once again welcome to the site Raven.

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PostSubject: Re: Raven Nightclaw [DONE]   Wed Jan 19, 2011 11:10 am

Ok done hope this is the final time
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PostSubject: Re: Raven Nightclaw [DONE]   Wed Jan 19, 2011 11:13 am

Just so you know Ive had this chqracter for a while but never put her to use in RP
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PostSubject: Re: Raven Nightclaw [DONE]   Fri Jan 21, 2011 10:48 am

Do not worry, I'll link all the things I talk about at the end of this post.

Quote :
Age: Appears 18 actual age 478 hasnt fed for two and half centuries due to hibernation
^ Mary Sue tendency that might correspond towards Alucard. We do not allow them here and home in on them quite quickly.

Quote :
Organization: Hellsing
^ With the age you have down, corresponding with the organization as well, it still bleeds Marry Sue when you have this here. If you wish to be in Hellsing, try another approach. Such would be a lower ranking vampire, or not a vampire at all but a human. From being a human at first, you can get bitten and turned into a low ranking vampire quickly, and then rank up.

Quote :
Personality: Raven stays silent most of the time. She thinks before she acts. Shes not the type of person you want to make very angry as her anger can get the better of her. With friends she will talk for ages unless you tell her to shut up. The way she acts depends on her mood. If shes happy she wont mind lending a helping hand but if shes angry she will leave a person with a few broken bones. Raven is more the suffer in silence type and wont tell anyone her problems unless she really trusts you.
^ Try to put more details besides this. Try using specific examples such as a book Raven might read, what might trigger Raven to become enraged, her pet-peeve, her favorite thing to eat, her least favorite thing to eat, the kind of personalities she cannot stand, favorite color, favorite weapon, who she likes to annoy for her own giggles, what kind of male she is attracted to, if she smokes, and everything else you can think of. Too much detail is never bad, what I put down are some examples and you can use them if you wish.
> A excellent, well revised and written personality will build a character more for me rather than the organization, weapons and RP sample. Smile

Quote :
Race: Vampire
^ We have a race list as well as regulations in the general rules section for players who wish to be vampire. You should read them carefully before re-editing this sheet. You must put the Vampire Category Rank (Vampire Rank: True Nosferatu, A, B, C, D, E and F) within the race. You can only start out as a Category F or E vampire due to the huge amount of vampire players on the site. Please also use the code in which was supplied in the character template.

Quote :
Abilities: Due to her family's history, Raven can tame animals without training them. This comes with a serious risk. Once to attached to an animal a part of Raven dies off either her soul or she will die al together. She can shape shift but very rarely. When she does shapeshift she can change into a black cat with blue eyes. The trouble is she hasn't quite mastered how to change back.
^ If you're going to be a vampire, you need to seriously look at the categories of them we have listed. This is a good ability, but you also need to include all of the obvious about vampire biological genetics, weaknesses, so on and so forth.
> As an example, if you have noticed in the Anime, Manga and OVA of Hellsing, Alucard does not wear a cross. At all. As a matter of fact, when he does any kind of cross symbol at all, he turns it upside down to signify "Down With Christ!" as an insult to the Catholics. It pisses Anderson off and Alucard knows it.

Quote :
Rank: C
^ By rank, we mean "Officer" or "Kitchen Help" or "Trash man." We mean NOTHING about the vampire rank. It's alright; it tells staff that we have something to clarify and post to make this easier for new comers. Smile

On other notes, that will make your sheet look really good...
> Do try to make the RP sample longer.
> Give more depth into the bio, for the bio aids the personality of a character GREATLY. How did Raven GET to where she is currently, is something that will aid you greatly in the bio.

Now, here are the links I was speaking about.

General Rules
Race Information
Vampire Ranking Rules
Character Template Application Code < It's in Orange. Copy, paste, and use.

If you have any other questions, post them on this thread please.

~Sirina
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PostSubject: Re: Raven Nightclaw [DONE]   Fri Jan 21, 2011 5:36 pm

Well I won't bother going over the same complaints these other fine members of staff have made.

However, this character really comes across as Mary Sue to me.

The ability to tame animals without even training them seems slightly... Excessive to me.

That said; beef up the abilities section, add some more. If having animals to do your bidding is your only real strength, you're gonna be chopped up and made into soup in no time. Try some different powers, as long as there's drawbacks to them on the character, you're all good.

I like some spacing in my RP samples. One cluster of text is hard to read, as I often find myself incapable of finding the next line as I finish, and wind up reading the same line twice over.

I'd like some more meat in this bio, and RP sample. Spice it up, use some interesting words, space it out!

Also, don't forget to use spacing to mark the passage of time in your Bio and RP sample, and posts you'll make once approved.

Get all the stuff above done, and the stuff I mentioned in my response, and you'll get approved in no time.

- Remus

--
Oh, plz plz plz resize the picture in your signature. Nothing strains the roller on my mouse more than a huge signature.

Or, put it in a spoiler.

To do that simple type: ['spoiler]enter image URL here.['/spoiler] Without the quotations.

It should look like
Spoiler:
 

To view a spoiler, simply click the word "Spoiler"
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PostSubject: Re: Raven Nightclaw [DONE]   Fri Jan 21, 2011 7:56 pm

Guys she is not a mary sue ive put all the draw backs in and ive put that she is a level c. Other than that i am not changing it.
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PostSubject: Re: Raven Nightclaw [DONE]   Fri Jan 21, 2011 10:45 pm

I'll go through this one point at a time.

1. "Age: Appears 18 actual age 478 hasnt fed for two and half centuries due to hibernation" I spoke to you briefly about this earlier and now two more staff members have expressed issue with it and yet there is still no change.

2. "Raven has a birthmark of a holy cross on the back of her neck located in the middle." =___= seriousely? I mean really, do I really need to elaborate on this?

3. "She also has two Desert Eagles which are loaded with either silver bullets or UV bullets." Personally, I don't think dual Desert Eagles fit this girl in the slightest. In addition to that twin desert eagles are so overused and cliche it's not even funny anymore. That in and of itself isn't necessarily a problem, more of a taste issue. However, I spoke to you about the UV bullets before. Get rid of them.

4. "This awakend the power to influence animals and will help her seek revenge." So she was a special human prior to being bitten. Expand on this. Tell me more about her father and mother, tell me more about her early life. What you have here is a skeleton of a bio.

5. "A few centuries passed and she came across the Hellsing Organisition. She told them her story and joined up to help rid the world of any evil being." Once again you don't have nearly enough info here. You don't just shack up with Hellsing. Tell me how she met the organization. Was she recruited? Was she hunted? Was she immediately accepted? DETAIL. I want detail.

6. "Race: Vampire" this should say Category C Vampire.

7. "Rank: C" this means military rank. As in your rank within the organization. Private, lieutenant, corporal, whatever.

8. "She thinks before she acts. Shes not the type of person you want to make very angry as her anger can get the better of her." <== you're contradicting yourself.

9. "With friends she will talk for ages unless you tell her to shut up." "Raven is more the suffer in silence type and wont tell anyone her problems unless she really trusts you." <== you're contradicting yourself again.

10. You have a halfway decent combat sample but nothing that could adequately be called a social post sample.

It's your character, nobody can make you change it. However, as long as it remains in it's current state it is unacceptable and will not be approved. You can either work with us like an adult and take constructive criticism or you can be stubborn. The choice is yours. For now my vote should be pretty self explanatory.

APPROVALS: 00

DISAPPROVALS: 01


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PostSubject: Re: Raven Nightclaw [DONE]   Sat Jan 22, 2011 12:52 am

Alright then. You're not going to change it then its open to vote upon. Remus gave great input. Webmaster gave great input. You really should take that into consideration from members who HAVE been apart of this RP for years as well as know Hellsing like the back of their hand.

It is CLEARLY stated in the general rules section that you gotta rank up from a Category F vampire. Its CLEARLY stated in the general rules section that if anything gives the hint of Mary or Gary Sue, that it is to be shot down automatically, or greatly revised.

Its staffs job to help you with this kinda stuff and we are open about many things. Though, with a remark like that; not gonna change it after we pointed out MANY things in regards to the rules that are the law here for not only this rpg, but Kouta Hirano, I'm not gonna waste my time.

I've helped you the best I can.

Approvals: Zer0
Dis-Approvals: 2


Last edited by Sirina Anthony on Sat Jan 22, 2011 7:30 pm; edited 2 times in total
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PostSubject: Re: Raven Nightclaw [DONE]   Sat Jan 22, 2011 4:48 am

Not only have you still not changed the age, you seem to have added this:
'hasnt fed for two and half centuries due to hibernation'

I really do not know if you have watched/read Hellsing at all (you haven't answered the very first question either)
but Alucard was reduced to a corpse-like state after only 20 years....
now there is no way your character can still be running around without feeding for 2 centuries, she'd be a pile of dust


Next, you've gotten rid of the elementals (good) but now you've added this
'taming animals without training them' ability...unless she's got tigers, sharks and cobras following her
wherever she goes, I really see no reason for such an ability.
She's a VAMPIRE, she should be more than capable of seeking revenge with her own vampiric abilities instead of animals.
It just seems too much and a pointless ability for a vampire to have.


But what really lost this for me was that you are not willing to make the changes the Staff has asked you to do.
Like Webmaster said, it's your character...but unless the changes are made she is not acceptable here.


Approvals: 0
Disapprovals: 3
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PostSubject: Re: Raven Nightclaw [DONE]   Sat Jan 22, 2011 4:32 pm

Well, I think I have waited long enough. I was confident that you would at some point change this, but I have realized that will not happen. And since I agree with the inputs above, I will have to disapprove.


Dissaprovals: 4

Approvals 0

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