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 scene from book I plan to writing in rl sometime in the future

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PostSubject: scene from book I plan to writing in rl sometime in the future   Sat Oct 16, 2010 9:46 pm

Fisher was thinking back to what had happened a few days ago, his defeat with Lad. The pain that ran through him is that of which words could not describe. Mari, Nice, Rev and O’Conner stood there, watching Fisher. Fisher looked unbalanced, a tear fell from his eye and he grin his teeth quietly. All that could be heard from him was what seemed like a soft hissing sound. Fisher was partially cut from his reality, in his mind, Lad held him by the throat. Lad’s cold eyes were locked onto Fishers. Fisher saw his friends and family there; yet Lad seemed to haunt him. Fisher’s eyes grew with a gray look; he stood and walked over the drawer beside him, opening it and pulling out a forty five caliber handgun. Lad slowly smirked in Fisher's head "Why don't you give up? Give up, make it easy on yourself." Fisher’s expression grew more depressed; he slowly got on his knees and opened his mouth, pushing the barrel of the gun into his mouth. Lad's smirk grew wider in the eyes of Fisher, he lashed out in a harsh voice "WHAT'S WRONG FISHER?!" Nice stared at Fisher “Daddy, what are you doing?” she asked in a soft voice. O’Conner’s eyes widened, he stood out of his chair and spoke out loudly “Fisher, what the hell?!” Tears fell from Mari’s eyes; the man who had been her closest friend sitting there, ready to blow is head off. Rev shouted out to Fisher “Fisher, stop!” Mari cried out “Fisher, put it down…” Nice looked at Fisher, a tear from her eye “Daddy… please…” Inside Fisher’s head, Lad gave him a wide grin, chuckling. “Had enough? So, you’re human after all.” Fisher closed his eyes, pulling the trigger back completely, the gunshot echoed throughout the room.
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PostSubject: Re: scene from book I plan to writing in rl sometime in the future   Mon Oct 18, 2010 2:32 am

If you don't mind, I could give you a tip that might help your writing structure. I ask, because if not, I won't bother saying it.
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PostSubject: Re: scene from book I plan to writing in rl sometime in the future   Mon Oct 18, 2010 4:34 pm

Please speak out. Creative criticism is something that should be expected in writing.
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PostSubject: Re: scene from book I plan to writing in rl sometime in the future   Mon Oct 18, 2010 5:54 pm

Paragraph breaks after dialogue and don't capitalize just because someone is speaking with a raised voice.
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PostSubject: Re: scene from book I plan to writing in rl sometime in the future   Tue Oct 19, 2010 11:49 am

Beside what Atrius has already stated, you should separate the dialogue of each of your characters into different paragraphs, not in the same paragraph. I forget whether it's an actual rule or not, but it certainly eases into things and makes it easier to distinguish between characters, and it doesn't blur together that way, either.

Also, and this may just be a personal preference, but I think that, if you have done your job well in developing your characters' own voices, the colored text would not be needed, because the characters will speak out well enough on their own. The readers will be capable of telling who is speaking when, with just a few modest dialogue tags.
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PostSubject: Re: scene from book I plan to writing in rl sometime in the future   Tue Oct 19, 2010 9:25 pm

Alright, I'll probably end up re-writing this and throwing it back up again. Thanks for the suggestions.
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